Hey lazy workers, I know there are plenty of you out there. Do you wonder how to waste your time at work without your boss noticing it?
Sure you do. After all there is nothing better for some people than getting paid for doing nothing. Who cares that you are not productive (aka useless), as long as you fool your boss, you are going to be fine.
This is a guide that can serve you everywhere.
In some areas of the world being lazy at work is not a good sign and people don’t like it, it’s not in their culture and you can get fired if you do nothing and procrastinate. In this case you really want to hide your laziness.
In other areas being lazy is pride, but people still have to look like they are working, because there is additional pride in lying and not getting caught. Again this article is going to help you in this case too.
Same applies for individual corporation, not just specific geographical areas. (who to believe there are German like companies in Portugal for example)
Before I continue with the actual tips, let me put full disclaimer. If you do get caught by your boss and your lazy ass gets fired, don’t blame us. The tips are general and we have no idea how strict is your boss. The tips also apply better in some industries than in others.
1. Always look busy
It’s really easy in office environment but you can do it everywhere with a little more creativity. You don’t have to do actual work if you pretend you are doing something important. Talk on the phone, always hold pen and paper and write down stuff. Of course you can draw elephants and talk with your friends but make it look like work related. In some cases reading newspaper or online magazine may be appropriate. Make sure that you have some office document (word, excel, etc) opened on your computer while you are wasting your time on Facebook, Youtube or Solitaire. This way you can switch fast.
2. Be volunteer to do things that you know there is no way you can get assigned to
Basically you want to look pro active and really committed to the work, but when you don’t want to do actual work, make sure you offer your services for things you will get rejected. If for some reason they give you the impossible task, make some elegant excuse following this model “oh thanks, i will do my best despite my complete incompetence and high probability to screw up things which may have even worse impact”. If you can convey this, no one with at least a little brain will give you the work, but they will be thankful for your interest.
3. Body language and actions
This is very important, only when people are looking at you, of course. You want to look like you are really doing something or at least thinking deeply. Don’t sit there like you are at home watching TV at the couch. Make it look like you think over something very complicated. Tap on the keyboard some random keys from time to time.
4. Make your co-workers look lazier than you
If you can make your co-workers to look a lot worse than you, your boss will think you are one of the best employees he has. Make sure that he sees you doing stuff and other people wasting time, even thought it’s the opposite. Engage your coworkers in meaningless conversations and make them do favours for you when your boss is around. For example you tell some of your coworkers to go to the drug store to buy you something because you are too busy right before your boss shows up. When he asks where is your coworker, you tell him that you don’t know and you are doing all the work at the moment despite being tired.
5. Outsource all your work to someone
In many cases your boss will require to see what you have done and when you have nothing to show, it’s a problem. But the solution is simple. Give your work to someone else. You may have to pay for it a little bit, but it’s worth it. There are many students, office assistants, polite colleagues and low cost asian workers who will do your job for little to nothing. And knowing yourself, their work might be a lot better.
If your work doesn’t require actual evidence that you have done something, just say you did it. Especially in big business environment, no one will notice. And you can always blame someone else. You just have to be convincing.
ATTENTION: People who work for me or in partnership with me should not apply any of these techniques. For some reason I like productivity. And by using them you risk to get fired. But if you work for some competitor of mine, you are welcome.
Please share this content to as many lazy people as you know, this way you will not do the actual work you get paid for. How cool is that?
And don’t be shy to leave a comment. I promise, I’ll read it.